(no subject)

[seekingferret]

I matched with someone in a virtual speed dating a month ago. Since then we've managed one video date, plus a bunch of emails back and forth of me trying to schedule another and her telling me she's not sure what her schedule is and will get back to me.

What's a polite way to say "Hey, I can't tell if you're interested and busy or trying to awkwardly blow me off, but it's gotten to the point where I'm annoyed. If you're not interested, tell me so I can stop wasting time. And if you're busy, the ball's now in your court to figure out when you're available and try to set another date." ?

Comments

[sara]

I am currently in a similar situation except we met up in real life and went hiking. Sadly I have no answers I'm just here to commiserate. People could be kinder to each other than they seem to be able to manage at this time.

I've so far resisted the urge to say, I enjoyed meeting you but it seems like you've got too much going on right now to make time for a relationship. Mostly because I'm trying not to increase the net unpleasantness in the universe.

[snippy]

How about using I statements and suggesting what you'd like next? "I've enjoyed our emails and would like to keep seeing where this might go. How about a distanced coffee date?" If that's not what you want, then why does it matter what she wants?

[chestnut_pod]

I think it's probably best to not try to convey the annoyance along with the denotative information. I think, honestly, you can just say to this person, "I need a certain amount of reciprocal scheduling buy-in in a relationship, and I would appreciate either a firm date or a cordial wrapping-up of our interactions." That is a perfectly reasonable thing to say and request.

[cahn]

Why not just say "OK, let me know when you know what your schedule is and when would be convenient for you," and then stop sending her email unless she writes back. That basically says exactly what you want it to say -- the ball is in her court. Then you can stop thinking about her either way -- if she gets back to you, then she's interested and great, and if not, then you haven't wasted any more time.

(Yes, it would be nice if people just told each other when they weren't interested, but see also this xkcd.)

[angledge]

I second this approach. No need to say you're annoyed, just put the ball in her court & see what happens.

[calledtovienna]

Third. You want her to know that the ball is in her court, and this gets that across. If you don't get a response, assume that she is either not interested, or doesn't have her stuff together enough to handle logistics of this relationship (which is basically the same as not interested).

[jack]

*sympathy* I'm always scared I'm reading cues that aren't there, or second guessing cues that ARE there, especially because a lot of people I know really do have difficulty scheduling, or come from subcultures with different communication styles...

Not getting a clear answer is really frustrating. I think the issue is that *most* first dates are not The One (whether you believe in a unique The One or not), and even the ones that ARE, sometimes both people know that immediately and sometimes it grows over time. So people are serious about Finding The Right Person, and want to get a clear decision, whereas other people are like, I'm busy, I'll pursue this if I have time, but maybe I just won't get round to it. And if one person is really invested (because they actively want to find a relationship, or they're really really into the othe person), then "I don't really care either way yet" is almost worse than "I'm not interested", but it is quite common.

I think the right thing to do is show interest, and then back off for a bit, and maybe try again once more a while later. And if she doesn't show interest -- well, maybe she wasn't into you, maybe she was just not well organised, but there's nothig you can do to fix either of those things :(

I hope it does turn out well!